What up fam! How many of y’all are currently in the dating game? If you are, you’re probably figuring out dating is more than twinkly-eyed inside jokes and holding hands while listening to “your” song. It’s about testing out your compatibility with your partner. The question is: can you sustain the relationship long-term? Finances are a big part of that long-term journey. It’s CRUCIAL that you spend some time figuring out if you and your partner are financially compatible. Having been acquainted with a *few* red flags during my own dating years, I’m here to help you recognize ANY and ALL financial red flags in relationships.
They say that when you marry a person, you’re also marrying their family. That’s probably true. What I also know to be true is when you marry a person, you’re marrying their finances. And if those finances are littered with red flags, I’m predicting turbulence ahead.
What are red flags?
While it’s easy to think of red flags as a scary thing, or an immediate deal-breaker, they’re actually our friend! A red flag is our own intuition popping up to alert us to potential danger.
Just like the National Weather Service alerts communities when conditions are conducive to bad weather forming – tornadoes, hurricanes and the like – when we encounter financial red flags in relationships, it’s a warning of potential danger ahead.
Red flags don’t have to mean the end of the relationship. But, let’s be clear. It would be a mistake not to take these financial red flags in relationships VERY seriously. Money isn’t the most romantic aspect of a relationship, but it’s what allows you to build the life you want.
If your romantic partner’s money habits are going to negatively impact your life or cause major conflict in your relationship, it might be time to rethink a few things. Or, it might be time to have some serious conversations with your partner to express your expectations.
For the sake of today’s conversation, I’m dividing these financial red flags into a couple distinct categories:
- Philosophy and Mindset
- Communication
- Income
- Spending Habits
- Debt
Red flags abound, fam! Here we go. Some common financial red flags in relationships:
Philosophy & Mindset
You and your partner differ when it comes to money mindsets.
If we’re talking about financial red flags in relationships, money mindset is the #1 concern. If you’re a Scarcity Susan and he’s an Abundance Al, there’s likely to be a disconnect when you begin making decisions about careers, budgeting and general money management. I wrote an entire post on healthy money mindsets, so be sure to check that out.
A scarcity mindset results in someone holding tight to their resources because they believe that’s all they’ll get. This might manifest itself as extravagant frugality, anxiety over finances or worry that they’ll never have enough.
An abundance mentality means a person believes they’ll always have enough to accomplish their goals. Whether it’s time, money, energy or skills. They may be more apt to invest in themselves, pay themselves first, take financial risks or pursue new career paths.
Even in those short descriptions, you can start to see the challenges Scarcity Susan and Abundance Al may encounter. Opposites do attract and balance is good. Considering new perspectives is good. But Susan and Al will need terrific communication skills to bridge the divide.
They say one thing, but do another.
Listen, actions speak louder than words, and that’s true with finances as well. You want to pursue a long-term relationship with someone who has integrity and is truthful.
If he constantly talks about needing to save money for your upcoming vacation, but instead spends excessively on clothes or eating out, there’s a major disconnect. Or maybe she says she wants to donate to charity, but never follows through.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
There’s a reason this Maya Angelou quote gets shared so often. Because it’s TRUE. Don’t make excuses for your significant other when they’re showing you their true character.
They don’t have a financial plan and aren’t interested in getting one.
Admittedly, this financial red flag is one that can improve with productive conversation. But if your lovebug doesn’t have any interest in planning ahead with his or her finances, we’ve got ourselves a situation, fam.
Without a plan and without some financial goals, it’s easy to find yourself treading water for years, for DECADES. In a marriage, any forward movement in your finances has to be done as a team. Don’t find yourself resentful down the road because you feel like you’re having to carry the team, or because you expected more progress in your finances.
Since we know that a higher savings rate and compound interest are two things that set us on a path of incredible financial security, those two things need to be factored into your plan.
They have a goal but no idea how to get there.
On the flip side, maybe your honey has a big, hairy audacious goal, but can’t articulate how he’s going to get there. Houston, we’ve got a problem.
Again, this is one financial red flag that can improve. We could be looking at a green flag (instead of red!) with some concentrated planning and thought. But your partner needs to be willing to put in the work, time and effort needed to draft a plan for seeing that goal to fruition.
In either of these cases, seeking out a counselor or financial coach could help you navigate the situation by communicating your way through it.
Communication
They refuse to talk about money or can’t talk about money without arguing.
I admit it. Having a productive money conversation isn’t easy. But it’s possible. And it’s NECESSARY if you’re pursuing any kind of long-term relationship with this person. This isn’t negotiable, fam.
Avoiding the money talk could be a result of shame or embarrassment or some major financial issues. Or it could mean they’re hiding something from you. It’s hard to know unless they TALK to you about it!
Again, a financial coach or counselor could help you sort through this one. As ideal as it would be to never have to talk about money, a marriage requires honest and open communication, and you’re not getting that, friend.
Check out the post I wrote about how to have difficult money conversations and try to apply some of those steps to your conversations.
They lie to you about their finances.
No matter if they’re inflating their income, underestimating their expenses, or simply hiding a stash of cash they’ve socked away, we’ve got a red flag, fam. While we’d all like to discover our beaus are hiding their position as royalty (and the huge estate that comes with it), ANY lie is a problem.
A lie indicates they’re A.) hiding something from you or B) don’t trust you enough to handle the truth. This is not a red flag to take lightly as it can also indicate a loose relationship with the truth, which may manifest itself in other areas of your relationship or in their life.
They’re domineering.
If your partner is controlling or manipulating the way you manage your money, RUN do not walk out the door. Giving you financial advice is one thing, because you can choose whether you follow that advice. Using money as a means of power over you is another thing completely.
They may press you to give them money, or restrict your access to your own financial accounts. We’re going to cover it a little later, but this is a pretty clear indicator of financial abuse.
If you read nothing today, my friend, read this: trust in a relationship and an ability to communicate clearly with each other is worth more than gold. If you’re not getting those very basic things, no matter how difficult it is to hear, it’s time to reevaluate.
Income
They’ve had inconsistent income or don’t demonstrate any work ethic.
We’ve all had to switch jobs. It’s rare to stay at one job for an entire career. However, if your sweetheart is over the age of 25 and changing jobs like they change underwear, your radar should be beeping. It’s at least worth some additional investigation.
If she’s job hopping because her job performance is lacking and she’s getting fired at every job, that may indicate a negative pattern you need to pay attention to. Lack of maturity or responsibility can impact your relationship easily.
Additionally, if your sweetheart is pursuing new careers frequently, or investing in education or training courses in different industries all the time, that’s another thing to consider. If your sweetheart doesn’t have a plan or clear vision for her life, it will undoubtedly impact your own. Do a deep analysis on your own perspectives – is that a deal-breaker for you?
Spending Habits
They spend more than they make or are keeping up with the Joneses.
So many of our early childhood lessons from our family are reflected in the way we handle money. Spending habits are no different. If your honey grew up watching a mom or dad place a high value on appearing wealthy, or keeping up with those around them even when income was tight, he or she may feel the same pressures.
Spending sprees that outpace income are never a good look. They can easily lead to credit card debt and a recurring desire to appear a certain way.
Dave Ramsey has an interesting quote about this. “If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else.” Essentially, saving money and living within your means now means financial stability and possibility down the road, even while others are still recovering from past behaviors as over-spenders and under-savers.
If your honey is open to getting on a budget and managing their spending appropriately, you’re in the clear. But, if you and your partner are struggling to get on the same page about excessive spending or status-related purchases, it’s time for a deep discussion.
They use spending as a coping mechanism.
We all have coping mechanisms that allow us to grapple with difficult external conditions. Some people exercise, some people eat, some people spend money. Others use mechanisms like counseling, journaling or creativity. You get the idea. Coping mechanisms can range from healthy to unhealthy with a spectrum in between.
If your significant other is spending money to cope with stress or anxiety, it’s time for them to take a step back. Maybe with your help, or the help of a counselor, he or she can work through their anxiety and resulting behaviors.
A spending coping habit can lead to some negative results and you want to be sure you’re on the same page with your partner from the jump.
Debt
They don’t know their debt amounts and have no plan to pay it off.
Listen, if you’ve been around here for more than a minute, you know I believe very strongly that debt isn’t a reflection on anyone’s character. We’re all out here doing the best we can do to get by. No shame in that. So, if your love interest has debt, IT’S OKAY.
But, if your love interest has no interest in paying off his or her debt, that’s when we have a problem. Debt can take an emotional toll, and paying it off as efficiently as possible is critical to your future financial success as a couple.
With debt as a consistent elephant in the room, your ability to save money, invest and eventually retire is at risk. On the personal finance ladder, you’re stuck on Rung #1.
Not having a plan or not knowing their amounts likely means they’ve been ostriching their way through life. We want to nip that in the bud immediately.
Related posts:
They think having debt is necessary.
This probably comes down to a mindset thing – if your darling has been raised thinking debt is necessary, and not a big deal – she’s likely going to follow that same path. But, we know debt isn’t necessary and in fact, can delay your financial success.
A conversation around expectations may help with this. It’s important to ensure your perspectives on debt align in any relationship.
The Dark Side of Money and Relationships
Before we wrap this up, I want to pause and talk very quickly about two topics related to money and relationships – the BIGGEST financial red flags in relationships. These terms are important to understand, and the warning signs are even more important to know. My hope for everyone reading this is that you never encounter either of these scenarios.
Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity, like its big sister relationship infidelity, happens when one partner is untruthful, or acts in a way that could harm the other person. This might mean one partner is hiding debt, or not being truthful about the amount of debt that exists. Maybe he or she is excessively spending without checking with the other person. Even hidden income can be a sign of financial infidelity.
If you suspect your partner is hiding certain financial actions, or not being truthful about your collective financial position, it’s important to seek out counseling to work through the issue.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse uses fear, control and manipulation as its main weapons. It’s a wide-ranging category, and can include everything from controlling how much money one partner has access to or stealing money from a partner. It may mean one partner is denied access to financial accounts or is not allowed to pursue additional education or training for their career.
If you suspect you’re a victim of financial abuse, you should contact the domestic abuse hotline and report it to the authorities.
In Conclusion
While it’s easier to sweep red flags under the rug and pretend they’ll fix themselves, I’m here to testify, fam. That’s not a solution. You’re only setting yourself up for a fall later. And in the cases of financial infidelity or financial abuse, that fall can be painful.
Identifying potential landmines or issues that could pop up down the road is an important part of your journey together. Being able to talk through the tough issues in regard to your finances is POSSIBLE. And it’s important.
If any of these financial red flags in relationships are showing up in your behavior or your partner’s behavior, they deserve a deeper look. I suggest having a serious money discussion to get to the bottom of it and ensure you’re on the same page. Engage with a counselor who can assist you in addressing bad habits.
For additional reading on money and relationships, check out this post to learn how to talk to your significant other about money.